Tuesday, March 20, 2012

A Teacher's Lesson from the Pediatrician

My daughter had her three-year checkup at the pediatrician's office yesterday.  We have been blessed with a healthy little girl overall, but I was eager to get the doctor's advice on some potty training issues--typical struggles, but I wanted his perspective.

Little did I know that Lauren's issues were medical in nature, not behavioral or at all related to potty training.  Apparently, over the course of the past two or three months, her digestive system has been under some stress, leading to the symptoms we were seeing.  Had we recognized her problems earlier, we could have intervened and lessened the impact on her little body.  Luckily, the issues can be cleared up with a daily laxative and intense attention to the potty over the next few weeks.  But, my heart dropped to my feet when I realized that the doctor was telling me that I should have recognized her struggles earlier, alluding to the fact that this was my fault.

My cheeks burned with embarrassment, as the doctor chastised me. My stomach churned into knots.  I couldn't hear anything else as he explained the root cause and course of treatment.  I was paralyzed by feelings of inadequacies and failure as a parent.  And, I blamed myself for not taking her struggles a little more seriously.

As I sat in the chair listening to his harsh words, I realized an important lesson about my communication with parents in my life as a teacher.  Parents have the best intentions when it comes to their children.  No parent wants to see their children in pain, and no parent willingly creates conditions that are harmful to a child's well-being.  But, as the doctor spoke to me, I'll assume for a moment that he forgot that no one loves that little girl more than me.  I didn't recognize her troubles, and I didn't seek action, but that doesn't mean I love her any less.  I did not have the skill set to recognize that she needed medical intervention.  Had I, I would have moved heaven and earth to schedule an appointment.  I am not a doctor--I am just her mother.  That child is my heart on two little legs walking around outside of my body.  She is my treasure, my world.  Every child that walks through the doors of our classroom is someone else's treasure.  My conversations, regardless of my opinions, need to reflect that understanding.  I seek to remember that as parents, we are all doing the best we can with what we have.  As I sat there being judged by one mistake, I realized how wholly inadequate I felt and how parents feel when I report academic or behavioral difficulties of their child.   We need to support one another and create partnerships, not point fingers of blame.  As fat tears welled up in my eyes, I wished that the doctor would have recognized that I am just a mom, doing her best, loving her children more than anyone in the world. And, I pledged to remember, in the course of my difficult conversations with parents, that each day they send me their best work--all their successes and failures wrapped up in one little fourth grade body.  What a monumental responsibility we teachers share with parents.  Puts a lot into perspective for me.

As I hung my head in shame, our pediatrician realized the sharpness of his words. His tone became softer, and his eyes became more gentle.  But, something had changed between us.   Do I have all the confidence that he is the best doctor for my kids?  Certainly.  Will I continue to trust his medical judgment in the care of my children?  No doubt.  But did our relationship change throughout the course of one short conversation?  Absolutely.  For just one moment, I wanted him to step back, take off the doctor hat, and say, "Lauren's belly is really having some trouble.  Let's talk about the plan to get her feeling better, and let's make sure you know when to call me next time."  I didn't need chastised.  I needed reassurance that I am not an inadequate parent--I just made a mistake.  And, I will continue to make them on a daily basis.  Please don't define me by my screw ups, but define me by my intense love for my babies and my passion for those kiddoes parents send me every day.

P. S.  I am happy to report that Lauren is already on the mend.

8 comments:

  1. It is hard to remember sometimes that the parents in our class need the benefit of the doubt too! Sometimes they just don't know, and just don't understand the things we see with our professional, trained eyes. Glad your little girl is on the mend!

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  2. Oh, Kelli, how wise you are to realize, in your pain and embarrassment, that we teachers have such a tremendous responsibility to nurture parents as well as their children. I appreciate your transparency. You have reminded me of the power of tone of voice and the set of the brow. Be blessed.

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  3. aww, I love the deep emotions in your post! I like the way you immediately thought of your conversations with parents and realized how sensitive any issue with someone's child can be. Your lines in the last paragraph about the way you would have liked the partnership to have been formed are a great look into how teachers can improve their conversations with parents!

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  4. What a heartfelt reflection. My heart was breaking for you as a I read your words, knowing what a loving parent, teacher, person you are. Thank you for the reminder on how we can make parents feel. Glad to know your little sweetheart is feeling better already.

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  5. What a great reflection and connection to the parents of our students. You said it so perfectly. I love the line: "That child is my heart on two little legs walking around outside of my body." That's exactly how I feel about my two little ones and your reminder to think of the parents that we deal with every day is so important! Thank you for your words.

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  6. First of all, I'm so glad that whatever was troubling Lauren is now on the mend.
    Second, what an important message you are sending to all from an unfortunate encounter with your pediatrician. I think judging is one of the things people do most naturally, and quick judgements sometimes lead to erroneous conclusions. I will remember this lesson you've taught me today when dealing with parents in the future; I just wish your doctor would learn the same lesson.

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  7. Wow. So glad Lauren is feeling better but I'm so sorry you felt inadequate in the eyes of your pediatrician. We can all make mistakes, doctors included. I completely agree with how you linked it to teaching. I wish I knew the source for this quote but I don't and I remember it often, "Parents entrust us with their precious children. They are not keeping the best ones at home, they send us what they've got." What a good reminder your post is. Thank you for that.

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  8. Good reminder. As one without kids of my own, I probably need this more than the parents in the group!

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